03/14/2011

I have to admit, if I had been able to get a hold of a cigarette today I would have smoked it. A bit stressful today I guess. Things at work, and life and jsut things. Good thing I didn't have a pack, and I resisted the urge to stop and buy one, but it was really hard. This is the first time I have really wanted a cigarette since I stopped. I've wanted the ritual but not the actual cigarette. Today I wanted the cigarette. But I got through it. No cigarettes today. Four days and still going.

03/13/2011

I have been searching all week to find the right word for what I am missing about not smoking. I have used the terms habit, and physical motion, and what I do. Mo gave me the right word last night...What I miss about smoking is the ritual. The whole ritual of going outside, lighting the cigarette, taking the first puff, watching the smoke rise from the end of the cigartte and dissapate in the air. It is the ritual of smoking that I miss, and that has been so hard o give up. I guess I need to find a new ritual, not just something else to do with my time, not just filling time but creating some kind of ritual. I need to think some more about this.
As far as last night...I did fine. Didn' even really have much of an urge to go smoke. I did tell Cheryl and JJ that I had been 3 days with out a cigartte. JJ gave me a high 5 and Cheryl said "good job" and that was about all that was said.
I talked to March about not noticing and she said that she really hadn't noticed other than I didn't go out side as much. I guess that is something.

03/12/2011

Start of day three with no smokes. The patch is working really well for the cravings. I have "smoked" the E-cig a couple of times to get a "boost" of nicotine. I have also used it just to feel like I was smoking. I have even taken it outside (though I don't have to), just to calm the desire to smoke. It gets easier every day. I don't think about it as much even today as I did the first day. I still want to go for a smoke at times during the day, but it is not a constant nagging thought now. Going out tonight to see Blaze and Kelly, to a winery, so I will be drinking a bit and be around a few people who smoke. We will have to see how that goes as far as cravings. Taking the E with me just in case I get the urge.

03/10/2011

First day of being without smokes. I am wearing the patch and it cuts down on the cravings, but it does not help with the habits associated with smoking, like stepping outside, or walking around,or just having something in my hands.
The itch is normal. I think I had it last time and it is not accompanied by a rash. Don't know why it happens but it does. Not a big deal. I think maybe I was just tired the other night because I have not slept any better the last two nights, just a coincidence I think. I am sleeping like I normally do though, hard to fall asleep, sleep well for a few hours, wake up, toss and turn for a few hours, sleep again for a few hours. Weird sleep pattern but it has been that way for awhile now.
I will let you know how the rest of the day goes later tonight, when I have been without a cigarette all day.
_________________________________________________________________
It's later, 9:30 pm and I have not had a real cigarette all day! I had a few puffs off the E-cig once or twice today but that was all. The hardest thing for me today was not doing the normal tthings I do when I smoke like going outside. I actually gave up and took the E-cig outside with me once tonight because I just couldn't stand it any longer, I just had to get up and follow the normal routine of going "out for a smoke". Habits are so hard to break, not just the addiction to the drug part, but the addiction to the action part.

03/08/2011

Started the nicotine patch yesterday. Seems to abate my cravings somewhat. Not suppossed to smoke while using the patch, but I am cheating. I bought the low dose patch so I am still smoking, 9 yesterday, 10 today, last pack tomorrow, then no more smokes. We will see how it goes. Wearing the patch at night seems to help me sleep better though. I sleep deeper and awake more rested than I have in a long time. We will see if this continues after I quit the ciggarettes. Only time will tell. The only reaction so far is it makes me itch, not just where the patch is but all over. That should stop soon too, I hope.

03/05/2011

Bought the patch today. I will start using it tomorrow. Yes, the last time I quit I used the patch, and it seemed to work.
We will just have to see what happens. I have been sticking somewhere around 10 (9 to 13) for a while now, so the patch should help me quit completely. I will let you know how it goes.

03/02/2011

Nope, did not make 8 yesterday! 9, just couldn't resist that last smoke before bed. Today was much worse. Woke up at 6:30, laid in bed until 7:00am. Woke up with an "I don't care" attitude. Took a shower tried to wash it off but was unsuccessful. Not really a pissy attitude, or angry, just not caring. Had 5 smokes before noon. Really hard when I get behind so early in the day. Could not shake the attitude all day long. Sooooo, not even close today!
I will be at 12 by the time I go to bed tonight. Did check on the prices of the nicotine patch this morning (when I stopped to buy smokes) ironic right? I get paid tomorrow so I will buy the patches before the week end. More importantly than the help though is the attitude. Need to get back on track and start caring again. Don't really know what the problem was today, just woke up with the wrong attitude to fight the fight today.
Tomorrow will be better.

03/01/2011

Okay now I am officially angry with myself, though I think the anger may have been helpful today. I am have been consistently at 11 for a while now and at 10 for a few days, but I should be so much further along than that. I only have 25 days before I land on your door step and I need to be smoke free before then. By the way we are all so excited we are counting down days now not weeks!
I am on track for 8 today, which I should have been on for at least a week, but today is a start. New month, new goal. I kept getting mad at myself everytime I slipped today, so maybe the anger is good for me. It kept me from slipping to often. Maybe tomorrow I can be angry at myself more and smoke less.
Anything that works I guess.

02/26/2011

March and I had a night alone last night so I didn't blog. Alexia had a sleep over with Karen and Doug. We went out to dinner and then jusst watched a couple of movies and home and then...well you don't want to know the rest! Anyway, I was at 10 for yesterday, but then we stayed up a little later and I had one more before bed so I was back to 11, but still hanging in there. I found some filters yesterday that are suppossed to cut down the tar and nicotine intake when I smoke. I think they work because they get awfully black. They won't necessarily cut down the urges but they do cut down on the amount of yucky stuff I am putting into my body. Should cut down on the addiction as well. At this point I am willing to try just about anything. Gotta quit, gotta quit, gotta quit. My mantra for the next few days!

02/24/2011

I haven't written for a few days. There are a couple of reasons for this. First it was getting monotonous 11...11...11. Need to change this, need to change that, nothing really changed. I can write today because I have been at 10 for the last two days and I am on track for 10 today as well, unless something unexpected happens which I don't forsee. One step up, but not enough.
The second reason I haven't written is because I did not want to face the wrath on "Meno Sharon". I know you said it didn't make you mad, that you were happy I was trying to quit but, with no progress being made I wasn't sure you wouldn't be disappointed. I am not putting blame on you for anything. It is all on me, but I wanted to at least have a little progress before I blogged again.
The third reason I haven't written and maybe the most important is because I have been processing the news you received about your sister Linda. I have known since I was 12 years old (or younger) that smoking is not good for my health. I have read all the research, I know the consequences of smoking, yet I still smoked. I still smoke, I enjoy smoking. It is like a person who is on the verge of being a diabetic yet cannot stop eating sweets. You know the health risks, but you enjoy the habit so much you don't want to stop. Even today I enjoy smoking, I don't really want to quit and that is a huge part of my problem and why I have a hard time breaking the plauteaus and getting to the next level. If we weren't going to San Fran in March I probably still would be in the process of "thinking about it".
I remember my dad just before he died. He was diagnoised as being border line diabetic. He tried really hard to cut back on his sugar intake. He stopped eating candy bars, and sweets. About a month before he died my sister in law bought Halloween candy, Snickers bars. My dad knew he was going to die soon from the cancer so he said "What the hell, give me a Snickers!" I remember the look of pure joy on his face and he actually slobbered when he ate it. I feel that way about smoking, and I imagine after 50 years Linda has similar feelings. We know it is bad for us, we understand the consequences but the enjoyment we get from smoking overides the desire to quit. It is only when the consequences become reality that we realize just how wrong we were to give into those cravings, habits, and pleasures. I know it doesn't help you at all, in fact it may be insulting to you, but Linda's diagnosis may be the trigger I need to make me want to quit. Maybe hearing the impact the news of Linda had on you has made me think twice (or three times) about the impact my choices may have to others in the future. How will Alexia react when I can't sing to her anymore? How will March react when I can't hold my breath long enough to kiss her? How will my friends react when I can't go for walks of out to dinner with them because I am stuck to the oxygen tank. All things to think about I guess. I am still processing, but since the news I have cut back to 10 and I will be buying the patch in the next few weeks, as soon as we pay the bills and have a bit left over. I will be done smoking by the time we step off the plane in San Fran!

02/20/2011

Haven't blogged for a couple of days now. Late nights! Having to much fun. I gave myself a day off on Friday and didn't worry about how much or when I was smoking and I still didn't smoke quite a whole pack. I did smoke 18 which is a lot, but it wasn't a whole pack (20). I have to tell you my sinuses paid for it the next morning. They were stuffy and sore for about 3 hours.
Yesterday I was more aware but I still smoked 12.
Today going to try to get back to 10.
You asked what I did last time when I hit a plateau. Well last time when I got to 10 for about 2 weeks straight I went to the patch. That helped a lot and I think I will probably do that again. I think I am having a much harder time quitting this time because last time it was in my mind to quit for good and that didn't happen. When we got home from the vacation I started again, and starting again was much easier than quitting. This time I am quitting for the vacation and seeing what happens after. My mind is not wrapped around permenantly quitting yet. I know I should, and I know it would make me feel better, and I know all the reasons I should I just can't seem to get there yet.

02/18/2011

Not posting tonight. Posting early because tonight is March's big party. Rented the IOA hall where we used to have our dances. Well not really rented, worked out some kind of deal between her and some other people, dont know all the details but it isn't costing us anything anyway. Printed flyers and took them to all her networking meetings for the last 3 weeks. Blaze and Kelly will be playing, just a night for fun and laughter. No host bar.
Anyway, I am giving myself the day off. Not worrying about when or how much I smoke today. So far not doing terrible with it. We will see how the night goes. Giving myself permission to smoke today when I want to instead of waiting until I need to. Probably pretty busy tonight so I might not smoke as much, but then who knows. I will let you know tomorrow how my "day off" went.

02/17/2011

10 again today. Maybe I have hit another plateau, at least for a couple of days. 10 feels good because it has been my target goal for a while now and I am finally reaching it. Helps with the mind over matter when I actually reach my goal and don't have to make excuses. Feels good to not make excuses. Now if I can stay here on this plateau for a couple of days I can set another goal and maybe reach a new plateau soon. One level at a time.

02/16/2011

10 today. My target goal! Mornings at work seem to be easier, probably because I am busy and not just sitting on my butt! The evenings seem to be more difficult, mostly I think because of habit. I need to change some habits and get out of some of my ruts and routines. Mind over matter. Train my mind to not think about smoking and I think my body will follow. I need to fill my mind with thoughts other than smoking, sometimes I think I don't really even want need a smoke, but I want one and because I am thinking about it it is harder to not go have one. Mind over matter, I am stronger than my desires!

02/15/2011

I have found out one of my VERY big triggers. Anger!. When I get angry I want to smoke a lot! We took Evelyn home today, that was a good thing but...March had asked Cori (her daughter in law) to clean the house before E got home. She has been asking for a week. She told Cori that if she was to busy or couldn't get it done that March had several people lined up that would come to Mt. Home with her and help clean. Cori, and her son Kenny, both told March that they would take care of it. In fact when March called on Sunday Kenny told her that Cori was over cleaning the house then and that it would be all cleaned when she got home. We told them she would probably be home Tuesday. We walked in and the house was a MESS! Cori had done the dishes, and that was all! The flooors had not been swept or mopped. There was dog pee in several places from before E had gone into the hospital the 2nd time (from before the puppy was house trained). Her bed wasn't even made and none of the floors had been vaccumed. It was terrible! This was not what we had expected to walk into. We spent 4 extra hours there tonight cleaning! I was on track for 9 tonight...now I am way off track, probably 11 or 12. I walked in and saw that mess and stepped right back out and had a smoke, about half way through I walked out again and had another one. I was mad, not just because it wasn't done, but because they had promised us it would be done, that it was done...and not even close!
Anger is a very strong trigger for me I think because it helps me think and relax for a minute or two. I am home now and calmer and the urge to smoke is still there but not nearly as strong as it has been all afternoon. Start over again tomorrow!

02/14/2011

Happy Valentines Day! 10 today. Stuck to my guns and stayed at 10. Had a 3 hour break today again. If I can have at least one three hour break a day and then maybe go to 2 three hour breaks...maybe, maybe, maybe...Here I go plugging along up the shale, one day at a time, one step at a time, one less smoke today, maybe one less tomorrow as well. I just need to keep on plugging.

02/13/2011

Back to 11 yesterday. Back to the mollasses and shale. One more day stuck, and going backwards. All I can do is try again tomorrow, set a new goal, make some changes, change my thought processes, just keep on tracking and climbing and reaching for my goal. Nothing else to do except go head on into the fight. Tomorrow will be better, and each day after that it will get even better. Positive attitude, I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this!

02/12/2011

Didn't post last night and I should have because it was a good day. Down to 10, one small step out of the mollasses, one small climb up the shale. I had some help though. March and I went to a Pampered Chef party for 3 hours yesterday afternoon and I didn't take my smokes with me. I didn't even think about smoking for 3 hours. Out of sight out of mind I guess. I had one as soon as I got home though, but three hours was a good time. Need to have more three hours in more days though. I will try to get at least one three hour time spread today. See how it goes.

02/11/2011

I seem to have hit a plateau. I can get down to 11, I can sometimes get to 10 but most of the time I am at 11. For some reason I can't seem to get past 11. I feel like if I could just cut back one more and get to 10 for a few days then I could get over this hump and be further on the way to quitting but I am bogged down at 11. I need to look at my lists and see which smoke I can cut out, which 1 smoke I could really do without for the day. Where can I cut back one cigarette in my life. Is it the second one in the morning, (not the first one for sure, not yet anyway). Maybe it is the one in the early afternoon, or maybe the late evening one. I need to get some kind of schedule going and cut out just one more, get to 10 again and then to 8 and then to stop. I sometimes feel like I am climbing in molasses and just stuck, and then sometimes I feel like I am climbing on shale and sliding back two steps for every step forward. I need to find firm ground where I can walk forward and upward. Firm ground where I can make a stand and strengthen my resolve. My mantra tomorrow will be "firm ground".

02/10/2011

Not really any reason to blog tonight since we talked about it all during chat and you Sharon are the only one besides me who reads this blather. So you know I am at 11 again tonight. Not where I want to be at this point, but our discussion did bring a thought to mind. I keep using E as an excuse to stay at 11, stress, reason to go outside, reason th get away. I should be reversing this and telling myself that if I can stop while E is living with us I can stop for good! I should be using her as an incentive to quit rather that an excuse not to. There is also another reason I figured out that I smoke. Okay it's more of an excuse that a reason, but if I step outside when I have a hot flash it cools me off, and when I step outside I smoke. Need to find another way to cool off, or find something else to do when I step outside.

02/09/2011

Ever have one of those days when you just don't care? Well I have had two of them in a row in now. I only had 11 smokes last night but that is more than I should have had. I am on track for 11 today as well. I just can't force myself to be all that concerned about it right now. I know I need to quit but I am having a hard time facing the realization that this is a permanent deal, that I am not just quitting for the vacation but for a lifetime. I don't want to try to do this again, it is to hard, so if I am quitting it is forever. My mind is wrapped around that thought, I just can't get my heart to buy into the deal, or maybe it is my lungs, or my nerves, or anything else that this stupid nicotine is affecting. My brain wants to quit, my body is fighting back and at the moment it is winning because my brain is dealing with too much other stuff. Marchs' mom, Marchs' birthday, the up coming vacation, my job, money, etc., etc., etc., The same worries everyone else has I suppose. Hopefully I will find the answer to my non-caring and start new again tomorrow. New day, new attitude.

02/07/2011

Good day today. Only 9! Here is the cool story of the day. I have been sitting goals each day and trying to meet them (2 hours apart). One goal today was 1:00pm, at 12:30 I really wanted a smoke. I told myself it was close enough and I could go have one since I was at a break point in my work. I actually got out to the truck and had a smoke in my hand when I looked at it and said to myself, wait, it's only another half hour and I can wait. I put the smoke back into the pack and waited until 5 minutes after one to have it. I was pretty proud of myself for that one, since I had it in my hand ready to light and I put it back. That was the highlight of my day today.

02/04/2011

Did not post again last night, partially because it was a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day! Lots of stress yesterday, most of it self made because of my attitude. I am emotionally tired. Tired of biting my tounge when I want to speak my mind, tired of whispering when I want to shout, tired of ignoring when I want to reprimand, tired of listening when I want quiet. Just plain tired. So amidst all that tired I also got tired of fighting with myself and just gave in. I lost track yesterday but I think the final count was 16. NOT GOOD!
March and I went to Blaze and Kelly last night and the old saying "music soothes the soul" is so true. They have such great energy and such enthusiasim for life, and are so positive that by the end of the evening I was feeling so much better and ready to stand and fight another day.
Just so you know, and to be completely forth coming in this blog, I felt the effects of my relapse this morning. My sinus were clogged and sore, my eyes itched, my chest felt heavy. I know it was all because I smoked to much yesterday and my body is starting to not like it again. It got so used to it that it didn't have much effect on me earlier, but now that I have cut back when I over indulge I feel it. Mentally I know all this, physically I know all this, but emotionaly I am still fighting the inward battle. Today should be a better day, I have a better attitude toward everything, March and I have had some really good conversations this morning, and I am ready and willing to try again. A battle was lost, but the war is not over.

02/03/2011

10 today, planned on 9 but had a very rough evening. Had to go outside a couple of times just to "get away" if only for 5 minutes. I know, I know..excuses, excuses, but some days are like that, yeah they are. Had a great morning, but got off track after 5:30. march had a migraine and E was on a roll. I am thinking seriously about investing in "the patch" (worked last time). I am going to wait until E goes home before making that decision. I still have time before March 26th. I will just have to see how it goes after the house is clear of negativity and noise. I never realized how much I really enjoy peace and quiet. Alexia has been spending a lot of time in the back bedroom watching tv or playing in her room. The loud talking and constant noise bothers her too I think, probably because she is not the one making it, and she has no control over it. Funny how 5 minutes outside and a hit of nicotine can calm me down so quickly, and get me to relax a bit. Then I can deal for another hour or so, then need another break. But then this blog is supposed to be about smoking not E, but it will be interesting to see how much better I do after she is not in the house anymore.

02/02/2011

Should be at nine today. I gained 75 minutes today from my scheduled times, 5 stars! I kind of cheated, but I have figured out how to use the EC. I set my goal time and if I am having a really hard time making it I take a drag or two from the EC. It gives me that hit I want, and the relieves the desire to smoke a whole cigarette. I figure a couple of hits from EC is better than a whole smoke. It seems to be working, at least for today. Have to see how tomorrow goes.
Actual smoke time goal time
7:30am no goal time
8:30am no goal time
9:10 no goal time
11:35 goal time was 11:30 plus 5 minute
1:40 goal time was 1:30 plus 10 minutes
4:00 goal time was 3:30 plus 30 minutes
5:30 goal time was 5:30
8:00 goal time was 7:30 plus 30 minutes
It is now 9:40 and my goal time was 9:30 and I haven't had last smoke yet. Another 10 minutes gained today.

02/01/2011

I started something new today and it kind of surprises me. I keep a log of when I smoke, so today I wrote down my goal times on the side (2 hours apart), every time I made the goal (4 times today) I draw a star next to the goal time. I kind of like getting the stars. There have been at least a couple of times today that I did not smoke early just because I wanted the star! Really, must be the inner child incouraging me you think?
So I am on track for 9 today 15 more minutes and I get another star. This is so immature of me...but at this point whatever works, right!?

01/31/2011

Ten again, at least I'm consistent. I did okay in the mid morning and early evening 9:00am to 5:00pm, two hours between. Later in the evening it was only an hour and half or even an hour. When I was "out" having a smoke last night I realized that I didn't really want the smoke, I just wanted to be out of the house for a few minutes (away from the constant chatter). I wanted the quiet, not the smoke. The smoke was just an excuse to go outside. I think that because it wasn't to hard to go 2 hours during the day while I was at work, but in the evening sitting here watching tv with E it was all I could do to sit here for an hour. I could be wrong, and it could be an excuse, we will see soon I hope if that is the case. E goes to the Dr. today and we will see how much longer we have to keep giving her the medicine. So anyway, now that I have discovered this anomoly, maybe I can find something else to do besides smoke to "get away". At least I stayed at 10. Hopefully I will be able to cut one more out today and get down to 9.

01/30/2011

Didn't blog last night, was very tired. Early mornings, late nights, stressful days can all catch up to you sooner or later.
I was at 10 last night, still within my goals, but not exactly on target of where I want to be..however I am giving myself a break. If I can keep it at 10 or under I feel like I am doing okay. I have almost 2 months to completely quit, so if I stay at 10 for a bit, then move to 8 and 5 and them 2 or 3 I think I can quit in my alloted time frame.
Thanks Sharon for the link to Dr. Oz. Have not had time to read it yet but I will tonight. Everyone has a quit smoking system and what I think is interesting, most of the ones with the quit smoking systems have never smoked a day in their lives, so how do they know how to quit? Have to do some checking on DR. Oz, but I don't think he was ever a smoker either. Makes me wonder how they know all this stuff when they have not been through the process themselves.

01/29/2011

Good Grief Maynard, another relapse day. Back to 11. Did not have the ambition, desire, or self control today to stick to 8 or 9 or 10. I hit 11 today. Started the morning out not caring and once the afternoon hit I was way behind and couldn't (didn't) catch up. The afternoon and evening went a little better, but by noon today I knew I wouldn't make my quota. I just tried to not go to far over the limit, and 11 isn't terrible but it isn't great either. Tomorrow will be better. I really need to start using the E-cig. It sits right here by my chair, but I just don't use it. I need to start training myself to smoke it instead of a real one. I am not sure why I am not because it is just as easy if not easier to take a couple of drags off the E. I just don't do it. I think with time it will come. Re-training of the mind and body takes time. I just need to be paitient with myself.

01/28/2011

well, it is Friday and I didn't have to go to work today sooo..you think I am going to say I had a hard day and smoked more don't you???? But guess what, it was a good day. I found other things to do like help the neighbors buid fences and read and took a long hot bath and I only smoked 9 again today. Surprisingly enough it was easier to go two hours between smokes today because I was keeping busy with other things and not thinking about it so much. I think that is the real key to quitting, to train my mind not to think about it so much. To turn my thoughts to other things when I start thinking about it, and to find other things to think about when the thoughts do occur.
Next task, get it down to 8.

1/27/2011

Ten again today. Used the E twice today to curb the desire, but did pretty well at keeping two hours between smokes. That is I can get two hours between smokes after my first 2 smokes in the morning. Those first 2 are usually only an hour apart, sometimes 45 minutes. I guess I need (want) that extra boost first thing in the morning after going 7 or 8 hours without one. Slowly but surely I am starting to figure this out. Step by step and process by process I am figuring out for myself how to deal with this addiction. Another day tomorrow, another fight, another opportunity to learn and grow from the battle.

01/26/2011

I want it NOW! I am so impaitient, which leads to frustration in my quests. I want to it all now...To quit smoking, to lose weight, to have money. I want it all and I don't want to have to fight for it.
I only smoked 10 today, didn't use the E-cig much today. Have to figure out a schedule for using it and implementing it along with the regular smokes. I can see where it can be useful to me to quit smoking, just have to figure out how to implement it's use in my daily and evening life. Interesting that I can go 7 to 8 hours during the night and not want a smoke, sleeping...but during the day when my mind is alert it seems to think about smoking a lot. Need to train my brain to think of other things. Working on that.

01/25/2011

Used the E-cig today some. I still smoked 11 today even with the E, but it didn't feel as hard. I wasn't watching the clock as much, or waiting for my next puff. I was thinking today that it is somewhat like a little kid...the more you tell them they can't have something the more they want it, as soon as you tell them they can have it they don't really want it. With the E-cig I know I can have it, at least a puff or two, and so it seems I don't want it as much. Cravings weren't as bad today I don't think but maybe it was my imagination, since I still smoked 11. I just have to keep telling myself that I need to be paitient, this will not change overnight, it will take time. I can and will do this one step at a time, one less smoke at a time, one more day toward my goal. I will try to use the E-cig more tomorrow.
By the way Sharon, the E-cig is heavier that a regular cigarette because it has a battery and a small metal tube (the atomizer) in it. The real one only has paper and tobacco leaves. It is not real heavy, only heavier than a real one.

01/24/2011

It is 10:30 at night and March just took her mom to the emergency room. She has what looks like a big blister on her back, right in the middle of the surgery line. It has grown in size, about doubled, since about 6:00pm tonight and to relieve her mom's anxiety about it March took her to the emergency room. I know this isn't the proper blog spot for this, but I also know you check this one daily. We have to wait until she gets home tonight to see what is going on.
I tried the E-cig tonight, twice. It seems to be working okay. It is heavier than a real cigarette by quite a bit, so that will take some getting used to. It doesn't have any smell and I do get the "hit" of nicotine to satisfy my craving. This is wierd but with a regular cigarette I know when I am done, it gets down to the butt, I put it out, throw the butt away....with the E-cig nothing changes. I don't know when I'm done smoking. This is good and bad, it may make me smoke more because it isn't gone, or I may just take a couple of hits and be done. It will be good because there are times when I really don't want a full cigarette but I smoke one any way because they are so darn expensive and I am not going to waste one and re-lit cigarettes taste really bad. We will have to see how this goes from here. Even if for a while I smoke the E every other time I want one I will cut my smokes in half.
One day at a time, one smoke at a time, one E-smoke at a time.

01/23/2011

I love Sundays. I usually get to chat with you on Sunday mornings and I am usually busy enough during the day to not think about smoking. Didn't make 10 today, but still down. I have stopped writing down the times that I smoke, not sure why, but I need to start doing it again. It does help me keep track of how many and when I am smoking. My E-cig comes tomorrow so I am definately going back to keeping track of when I smoke when that gets here, and whether it is real or E that I smoke. as I understand it, it has to charge for 24 hours before I can use it, so I won't be smoking it tomorrow, but maybe the next day. By Wednesday at the latest. Tracking keeps me on track. And tracking the real and the E will let me know if it is helping or not.

01/21/2011

E-cig comes Monday. Have to fight through the week end and then try the new way. Harder on the week end because I stay home and there is no work, so I find less things to do. That is not exactly true, I could find lots of things to do here at the house. Clean, dust, vaccum, read, blog, play with Alexia, and many other things. The point is none of them are things I have to do, things I should do, things I can do, but so not have to do. At work I have things that must be done, at home I have things that can and are put off. So as an excuse to not do them I smoke. Harder to break that habit than some of the others. The thing that amazes me is that I have not smoked in the truck since I started on this quest. That is the one place where I smoked the most in the old days, and it just hasn't been that hard to not smoke in the truck. I haven't figured that one out yet. Why is it so hard to not smoke in other places and easy to not smoke in the place I smoked the most? What is up with that? Oh well, maybe the answer isn't important, the fact that I smoke in one less place is the goal, and maybe enough for now.

01/20/2011

Sharon, since you are checking up on me daily (which I really appreciate by the way) I better blog tonight. Since you check up on my progress it helps keep my on track. Sometimes it is easier to keep myself from smoking more than I want to because I know you will be "watching". Not that you are judging me in any way (which I also appreciate) but I sometimes feel it is easier not to disappoint you, than it is not to disappoint me.
I tried something wierd today. Instead of fighting with ET, or giving into ET I just let it happen as it would. I didn't argue, or justify, or ignore. I just let things come as they would. I smoked more than 10 I know, but less than 15. I wanted to see if smoking less is really affecting my health. When I smoked with less than an hour and a half between smokes I got a head ache. Learned that early this morning, so I cut back this afternoon and felt better. Smoking really is not so good for me, especially smoking so much. I got used to it in the last 30 years so it wasn't bothering me, but now that I have cut back I notice the difference in how deeply I breathe, how many head aches I have, and how I am not so short of breath when doing simple things.
Now that this experiment is over and I know that it really is helping to not smoke I have another reason to cut back even more.
Sharon, I want you to know how much your help and support and your non-judgmental comments and encouragment are helping me through not only this stop smoking process, but also the mother-in-law thing. Your encouraging words and thoughts keep me going, and trying and not giving up or running away from home, even though I really want to run away from home sometimes.
Thanks again for being there.
Mickey

01/19/2011

Now here is a BIG suprise for you! Not much to say tonight.
Made my 10 today and it is getting easier each day. I think the nicotine and other drugs are slowly getting out of my body and the cravings are dissapating some what. Not that the war is over, but the battles are getting smaller. I get the E-cig on Monday the 24th and we will go from there. Until then I will just keep going one day at a time.

01/18/2011

Here is food for thought. I have been smoking over half my life. I started smoking consitently when I was 25. I smoked off and on before that ( since I was 12)but consitently for the last 30 years. So in some ways, maybe more than I like to admit, smoking has helped to shape the person I am today. So...who will I become when I stop smoking. I know this sounds a little silly, but it is the truth. Smoking is a part of who I am. Don't get me wrong, I know I can change this paticular habit, but it begs the question who will I become when smoking is no longer a part of my life?
I use smoking as a way to relax, so will I become more uptight? I use smoking as a way to think. I step outside, I am by myself and my mind wanders and sometimes I have an incredible thought or two. Will I stop being so creative when I stop smoking? Will it be harder to be creative, and find alone time to think and have creative thoughts? True, smoking a cigarette only takes about 5 minutes, but in those 5 minutes I have come up with some interesting ideas. Will I have more energy and be more productive, will have anger issues? Who will I be when I am not the smoking me?My favorite duo Blaze and Kelly have a song called :Despite the Dents"
Part of the lyrics go like this:
"And if I drove a Mercedes
would I still be crazy?
Would I have a lot of business to tend to?
If I drove a Cadillac
would I be stuffin’ two kids in the back?"
That is kind of how I am feeling now.
"What direction do I drive
to get the best out of my life"
Which direction do I go when I am an ex-smoker?

01/17/2011

I just re-read my posts and realize that as much as I bitch and moan about negative people a lot of my posts deal with negative feelings. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person who brings light into the room, not darkness. I want to be the person who brings a smile into people's eyes, not a frown. I want to be the person who people walk across the room to talk to, not the one people walk across the room to avoid. I know it is almost impossible to be happy and carefree and "up" all the time...things happen, but I want to be the person who is happier and positive more often than I am negative and angry.
I need to work on being more positive in my life without the help of "blowing off steam" with cigarettes. Cigarettes may be relaxing for me, but they are not a positive relax. They are not healthy for me, they are not healthy for others and I need to find a different release. Don't know what that will be yet, have to do some deep soul searching, and some light internet searching (you never know what you might find on the internet).
I am staying at 10 or 11 smokes a day. Haven't pushed myself to go under that yet. I figure if I stick it out at 10 or 11 for a week or so I can cut a few more out one at a time within the next month.
By the way Sharon, My E-cig should arrive about the 24th (next Monday). I am on my own until then. I will let you know when it gets here, what the directions are and how it goes for me.

01/16/2011

OMG! I never realized how much I rely on cigarettes to relieve my stress. The kids just left, Thank God. I love the grand kids Maddie (1) and Makayla (11) but I can do without the negativity and stress of the parents, especially when you add grand ma into the mix. They were only here for about 4 hours and I know I had at least 4 smokes. Not on track tonight for 10. I mostly used it as an excuse to go outside and get away. I didn't realize until tonight how much I do that. It gives a whole new meaning to "blowing off steam". I went outside to get away from the tension, and to blow off steam inside my head. The smoking was just an excuse and a physical release since I couldn't actually blow off steam just outside the door, I did it virtually through smoking.
I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses, and in reality it is, but it makes me think about why I smoke and the things I will need to replace in my life when I quit.
I also realize that I have a VERY,VERY, difficult time dealing with negative people. A little negativity goes a very long way. I wish positive feelings were as powerful as negative, but then life would be to easy wouldn't it? Holy Cow at least I don't think that anyone who isn't me is a complete idiot.
Anyway, enough excuses, bottom line I didn't make my goal today...try again tomorrow!

01/16/2011 Saturday

Made it to 10 today. I told you I could do this, at least for today. It seems to be getting a little easier each day to skip one or two. I should get me Ecig next week sometime and we will see how I do on that one. They are suppossed to help you cut back and quit mor easily. It might take the edge off of my thinking about it so much.
I know that smoking is an addiction, but I think at least for me, it is as much a mental addiction as it is a narcotic one, if not more so. It seems to me that when I am busy and involved in something where my mind is occupied and I am not thinking about smoking I can go for longer periods of time without a smoke.
If I can occupy my mind then I seem not to pollute my lungs as much or as often.

01/15/2011

All that ranting and raving yesterday and when all was said and done I only smoked 13 for the day. Not 10 but not terrible. It felt like I had smoked a lot more than that. I guess that is a good thing, that it felt like more than it was. Back to the schedule today. The thought is that I only have to cut out 3 extras today and I will be on track. Easier to cut out 3 than 10.

ET wins 01/14/2011

Et completely won today and to be quite honest with you I don't really give a damn that she did. It is a total relasp day. I don't really care, I don't even want to fight with ET today. I'm almost afraid to count how many I have had...I know it is not 20, which is better than nothing, but it is not 10 either. Just one of those days when it doesn't matter to me. It should but it doesn't. Not sure what the problem is today. Can't put my finger on it, but I was just not up to dealing with fighting with ET. Had the day off work so even that didn't take my mind off of it.
I know I can do this, I know I can win. I have sat in Movie theaters and watched a two hour movie and never even thought about smoking. I have sat on airplanes for four or five hours and not wanted a smoke, mostly because ET has no power in those places. It is illegal to smoke there so it doesn't matter what ET wants, she can't have it in those areas. But here at home, sitting in my chair ET has power. Nothing is stopping me from going outside as often as I want and having a smoke. Today ET was the force in my life. Tomorrow WILL be better. Tomorrow I WILL have more control over ET. Tomorrow I will be the winner and ET will lose. And if not tomorrow, then the next day, or the next. I will not give up, I will not give in. I may slide backwards on this slippery slope of recovery but I will not give up and I will dig in and fight my way to the top of the recovery mountain. Just have a little faith, and hope and it will get better.

I don't feel strong enough on my own

I have been thinking about this a lot since I started this no smoking process, and today I finally decided to take an extra step. I just purchased the Ecig. follow this link to get product information.
http://www.healthjournalusa.com/ehealth/indexhome.asp
I figure if consumer news and Health Journals can support this product it might be worth a try at least, and it is a free offer, just pay for shipping and handling. If I can fight the craving this way it might help with ET.
I will let you know when they arrive in the mail and how they work for me.
Until they arrive I will just keep plugging along as I am, cutting back, and keeping track. I will post more later tonight and let you know how my day was. Just thought you might be interested in this new development.

01/13/2011

I have decided I have an evil twin who lives inside my head. She talks to me alot. Here is a sample of one conversation:
ET: You know you want to go smoke now
Me: Not time yet
ET: But you have waited a long time and you really want one right?
Me: Well yes I would like to have a smoke now, but I should wait
ET: Why wait, you are cutting back and if you have one now you can always skip one later
Me: You know how hard it is for me to skip one later. Let's just wait for a while.
ET: No we need a smoke now, you have a break coming in between projects and it would be the perfect time. You can skip the next smoke, and wait longer next time.
Me: Well okay if you really think I can wait longer next time we can have one now
ET: Of course we can wait longer before we have the next one, you should reward yourself for waiting this long.
Me: okay, I guess you are right

The evil twin wins again. And the next time we have the same or a very similar conversation again. My evil twin has a very strong will and my will is not as strong. Really need to work on beating the evil twin.
Check this out...my goal is an hour and a half between smokes
Look how many times ET won today.
7:00 right out of bed
8:00 before taking Alexia to school
9:05 As soon as I got to work
10:10 before I went to a meeting
12:40 as soon as I got back from the meeting but pat me on the back I did not smoke in the truck driving from the meeting
2:30 almost 2 hours but just not quite
3:30 only and hour
5:45 before we went to visit the neighbors, left my smokes at home
7:30 after dinner, by about a half an hour
It is 8:30 now and I am about ready to go have a smoke, and then I will have one before bed
That makes my total for today 11. So close to 10 and yet so far away. But at least it is not 20.

01/12/2011

Not a bad day today. Only 11 by the end of the night anyway.
7:45
8:35
10:05
12:10
1:10
2:45
4:30
6:10
7:30
8:50
and last smoke will be 9:45
I realized today that even cutting back by half has started, just started to get some of the nicotine out of my system. I know this because I get a head rush from a smoke every now and again. I haven't had a head rush from smoking for a long long time, so I know at least some of the narcotics are leaving my body slowly.
I have decided that 2 hours is a pretty high goal at this point, and I can get to 11 or 12 smokes a day with and hour and a half in between. I know this sounds strange to lower my expectations at this point, but if I make the goal more easily attainable, and then actually reach that goal then I can move toward the next goal. It is like climbing a mountain, if you set your sights to high on the first run you will never make it. But if you gradually work your way, step by step, you will eventually make it to the top. So here are my baby steps:
1 1/2 hours between smokes at least
add an extra 5 minutes between smokes
I need to find a song or a mantra to say in my head so that I can think of something besides smoking. If I can stop thinking about it, then it doesn't seem to be so hard to wait longer between.
Thanks to you Sharon for reading this all the time and for your encouraging comments. They do help and I look forward to reading them. Today it really helped, because I know you are reading this and when I thought about having a smoke I thought well I have to tell Sharon in the blog tonight and I don't want to tell her I failed, so I will wait a few more minutes before smoking. You really are helping me, even from 500 miles away! Thanks

01/11/11

Not a great day. It is only 9:00pm and I am at 11 smokes today. I know I will have at least one more so that would be 12. My only excuse today is that I just didn't try hard enough. I used the excuse that March's mom is coming to live with us today. She got released from the rehab center this evening and we had to get her room ready for her, so we had projects to do and each time we finished a job I had a smoke. Most of them are at least an hour apart, some a little more, so I didn't completely go off course, but I did lose my way a tad bit today. Just a bit stressful today getting ready for her and wondering what the next few weeks will be like with her living with us.
7:15
8:05
9:30
10:35
11:40
1:20
2:40
4:05
5:35
6:40
7:40
probably 9:30 0r 10:00.
Start over again tomorrow! Goal of 10, wait and extra 5 minutes, don't watch the clock so much.

day 6 01/10/11

Hit my target of 10 today. Well okay it is 9:15pm and I am at 9 smokes today, so add in my bedtime smoke and I will be at 10. My target goal.
One day at a time, one goal at a time, one step at a time.
My trick for today was to try and wait an extra five minutes before having a smoke. When you look at my schedule it doesn't look like I actually did that, but considering how many times I really wanted a smoke and waited, sometimes more than 5 minutes I think I did okay, and since I met my target goal, it must have worked.
8:00am
8:30am
9:45am
11:45am look 2 hours between smokes
1:45 pm and another 2 hours here
3:50pm and 2 hours and 5 minutes here (note the 5 minutes)
5:00 here is where I started slipping today
6:15 only and hour and 15 minutes
7:45 Almost made the 2 hours but not quite
last smoke will be about 9:45 or 10:00 so I will make my 2 hours here

Tomorrows trick is try is to stop watching the clock so much. When I want to look at the clock I need to stop and think about why I am looking at the clock. Am I looking to really see what time it is, or am I looking to see if it is time to smoke. Could be an interesting day.
Adding 5 minutes
not clock watching
Long day here I come.

Day five 01/09/2011

Okay, so I have been at this for five days now. Seems like a long and a short time. Wierd huh? Long because the hours between smokes seems to take forever, short because...well it isn't even a week yet.
Today wasn't bad. 10 so far and then of course I have to have my bedtime smoke, so it will be 11 total. I just can't seem to get that one more out of the way to hit my target of 10. All I can do is keep on trying. One of these days soon I'll hit my mark.
I need to think of tips and tricks for every day use to get to my two hour mark as well.
My trick for tomorrow is to wait an extra 5 minutes. When I feel like I want a smoke and it is close to my target time I will wait another 5 minutes before smoking. 5 minutes isn't very long, but if I add 5 minutes to every smoke break that is 50 minutes in the day, 55 if I have 11. That is almost an hour each day and those extra 5 minutes could help me reach my target goal of 10.
Todays schedule went like this:
7:45
8:15
9:30
11:00
1:00
2:45
4:15
5:40
7:25
8:45
and of course I will add in my 9:45 bedtime smoke.
Sorry just can't cut that one out yet.

day four 01/08/2011

I made it through my first Saturday (not a work day). I have had ten smokes today, will have one more before bed. 11 is better than 14. I have noticed that I have the most trouble in the mornings and in the late evenings. During the day time, even today when I was home and not working, I seem to be doing okay. It dosent seem as hard for me to wait two hours in the middle of the day. First thing in the morning is because I haven't had the nicotine for 8 or 10 hours while I was sleeping so I need the extra hit. I will get over that eventually. The late evening hours I really can't explain other than maybe habit or boredom. I have had nicotine during the day so it isn't the lack of the drug in my body, but it sure seems hard to wait two hours after 8:00 at night. Check this out and see what you think.
8:40 am
9:30 am see I didn't even wait an hour
10:30am after 2 I can at least wait an hour but not much longer
12:00 closer to 2 hours at least it is an hour and a half
2:00 2 hours between yea
4:00 another 2 hour wait
6:00 again 2 hours
7:45 We ate at 6:30 so I waited before having the smoke but not the whole 2 hours. Habit of smoking after eating got to me
8:45 See here it starts getting harder back to only an hour again
9:45 and once again only an hour in between right after I kissed Alexia good night (this one could be chalked up to habit because I usually tried to wait until after I kissed her good night for a smoke
It is 10:30 now and I will be going to bed in about a half and hour and I will smoke before bed. If I wait until 10:45 at least it will be an hour in between.
Today was a good day though. I feel good about only smoking 11. And I am thinking a lot more about the whys and how comes of my smoking. Just to justify my rises and falls...I have smoked a pack a day for over half my life, and now I need to stop. I cannot expect to stop in a matter of days, though I expect to be done by the middle of March. I am one of those people who wants everything to be INSTANT. I want it and I want it right now! I didn't start smoking a pack a day, I only smoked a few a day when I started years and years ago so I can't really expect to stop immediately, but this waiting if really hard for me. I want to stop now, and I can't and it is frustrating. I need to keep things in perspective and take this a day at a time, a pack at a time, a smoke at a time, until there is no more smoking and I no longer have to worry about it.

Day 3

Not a great day. 14 smokes, 4 over the limit. So here come the lame excuses. First of all I was up an hour earlier, 6:30 not 7:30. Secondly I stayed up later (1:00am) adding 4 hours to my day. If my goal was 1 an hour then I have an excuse for the extra 4, one per hour. But my goal was to get to 2 hours between smokes and that did not happen. I screwed up. Easy to fall back into old habits. If you check my schedule out I actually did pretty well until we went out. I can't even blame it on drinking, since I didn't drink last night. I just fell back into the habit of smoking while we were out.
6:30am as soon as I got up
7:15am
8:15am before taking Alexia to school
9:25am before atarting a big project at work
11:15 Yea almost waited 2 hours but was busy at work
12:30 had one before I left for work to curb the cravings in the truck
2:oopm Made myself wait almost 2 hours
4:00pm yea another 2 hour break in my day
6:00pm yea another 2 hour break two in a row
8:00pm another 2 hour break and we went out to eat at 6:30 so I also waited after eating on this one (2 stars)
9:45pm not 2 hours but it was a break between sets and I wanted to smoke with MO one of the singers
11:00pm again not 2 hours but another break
1:00am when we got home just before bed I wanted one earlier while we were standing out side talking with friends but I resisted
So 14 total today, not the best but better than 20.
Start over again tomorrow and see where we go from there.

Day 2 of Fresh Air

9:00pm 11 smokes today and one more at 10:00pm before bed for a total of twelve. Not as good as yesterday when I only smoked 11, but it is a start. Did not smoke at all in the truck today, that is a plus. Average time between smokes was 1 hour 45 minutes, need to get it up to 2. I can divide the pack I have tomorrow into 2 packs of 10 each and should be able to stay on track with 10 per day.
My smokes today went like this:
7:35am as soon as I got out of bed
8:15am before taking Alexia to school
9:30am break from work
10:45am break from work
11:45am break from work
1:15 pm break from work
3:00 pm before leaving from work so I wouldn't smoke in the truck
4:15 pm waited for a while after I got home from work
6:00pm just before supper
7:25pm waited for a half and hour after eating
9:00pm got bored
10:00pm will smoke just before bed I always do

I am more aware of when I am smoking now, but I have become somewhat of a clock watcher to see if I can have a smoke yet, or how long I have to wait. I need to re think because I noticed today that when my hour was up I found myself saying "I can have a smoke now" even though sometimes I really wasn't ready to have one. Habits are really hard to break. Most of smoking wasn't because I wanted or needed one, it was because it was habit. Get in the truck, have a smoke, eat a meal, have a smoke, get bored, have a smoke. Once I can differintiate between when I want a smoke and when it is just habit I think I will be better able to cut down. That is one reason the time table is helping. Now if I can only stop watching the clock so much I think I will be on my way.

Day one of not smoking

Today I started my stop smoking before the end of March program. It is now almost 9:00pm and I have had 10 smokes today. To be honest I will have one more before I go to bed tonight, so that will be a total of 11 smokes today. Not bad for a start. I bought 2 paks today instead of a carton. I already have the first pack divided into 2. I got 11 smokes today because I still had some left over from yesterday. I think I get 11 tomorrow as well, then the next pack I can divided evenly into 10 each. Here are the times I smoked today
7:30am just after getting out of bed
8:30am before taking Alexia to school
9:00am in the truck on the way to work after dropping Alexia off (habit)
10:15am break from work
11:45am break from work
12:45pm break from work
2:45 pm before I left work so I wouldn't smoke in the truck on the way home
4:45 pm This one was hard to wait for, I usually have a smoke with the dog when I get home work but today I waited
6:00 pm Did not take my smokes next door with me when we went to visit the neightbors (on purpouse) waited until we got home to have a smoke
8:15 pm Did not have a smoke right after dinner which is good for me, I usually get up from the table and go right outside for a smoke. Tonight I waited. I did have to go take a nice hot relaxing bath to keep my mind off of it, and to be sure to stay within my time limits
I will have my last smoke about 10:00 tonight, just before bed.
Not to bad for the first day. Only smoked one in the truck which is where I really need to stop smoking the most. I do a lot of smoking in my truck. That is where my challenge will be, that and after work at home.
Almost half way to a non smoking life for me in one day.
Oh I have no illusions that there will not be slips and slids along the way, somedays are jsut worse than others, but today was a good start.

I Have To Stop

My family and I are going on vacation the end of March. We are flying to San Francisco to visit friends and let our ten year old daughter experience a real vacation. Before we go on March 26th I have to stop smoking! I currently smoke about a pack a day (for you non-smokers that is about 20 cigarettes a day). I need to quit smoking for several reasons. There are obvious health reasons to quit but I am not to concerned with them. The bigger reasons are that the vacation will be much more enjoyable for the entire family if I am not smoking. San Francisco has some very strict no smoking policies, so trying to find a place where I can smoke in San Franscico will be difficult. Quitting before we leave will releive the stress of not being able to smoke while in California.
My absolute deadline for no more smoking is March 26th, the day we leave. I would like to stop before then, but have not chosen a specific date yet.
Here is my plan (it worked when I stopped smoking to go to Hawaii 7 years ago), so I am going to try it again.
1. Cut back to 10 a day for at least 2 weeks
I keep the package from the day before and count out 10 cigarettes, when the package is empty I am done for the day.
2. Keep track of when I smoke write down the times
This lets me know the time of day that I most want a smoke and it also keeps me on track for my 2 to 3 hour time limit between smokes
3. Keep at least 2 hours between smoke breaks
4. Don't smoke while driving (this cuts down on quite a few at the very start, I smoke a lot in my truck)
5. Buy smokes a pack at a time instead of a carton (reduces the temptation to smoke more)
6. Find other things to occupy my time when I am bored

At least this is a start, because to be honest, I really don't want to stop smoking. I enjoy it and it relaxes me. It is a great stress reliever for me. I don't particullarly like the smell of a stale cigarette, but I do like the taste of a lit cigarette. So now the inner fight begins.
I start tomorrow, January 5th, 2011.
Wish me luck