02/26/2011

March and I had a night alone last night so I didn't blog. Alexia had a sleep over with Karen and Doug. We went out to dinner and then jusst watched a couple of movies and home and then...well you don't want to know the rest! Anyway, I was at 10 for yesterday, but then we stayed up a little later and I had one more before bed so I was back to 11, but still hanging in there. I found some filters yesterday that are suppossed to cut down the tar and nicotine intake when I smoke. I think they work because they get awfully black. They won't necessarily cut down the urges but they do cut down on the amount of yucky stuff I am putting into my body. Should cut down on the addiction as well. At this point I am willing to try just about anything. Gotta quit, gotta quit, gotta quit. My mantra for the next few days!

02/24/2011

I haven't written for a few days. There are a couple of reasons for this. First it was getting monotonous 11...11...11. Need to change this, need to change that, nothing really changed. I can write today because I have been at 10 for the last two days and I am on track for 10 today as well, unless something unexpected happens which I don't forsee. One step up, but not enough.
The second reason I haven't written is because I did not want to face the wrath on "Meno Sharon". I know you said it didn't make you mad, that you were happy I was trying to quit but, with no progress being made I wasn't sure you wouldn't be disappointed. I am not putting blame on you for anything. It is all on me, but I wanted to at least have a little progress before I blogged again.
The third reason I haven't written and maybe the most important is because I have been processing the news you received about your sister Linda. I have known since I was 12 years old (or younger) that smoking is not good for my health. I have read all the research, I know the consequences of smoking, yet I still smoked. I still smoke, I enjoy smoking. It is like a person who is on the verge of being a diabetic yet cannot stop eating sweets. You know the health risks, but you enjoy the habit so much you don't want to stop. Even today I enjoy smoking, I don't really want to quit and that is a huge part of my problem and why I have a hard time breaking the plauteaus and getting to the next level. If we weren't going to San Fran in March I probably still would be in the process of "thinking about it".
I remember my dad just before he died. He was diagnoised as being border line diabetic. He tried really hard to cut back on his sugar intake. He stopped eating candy bars, and sweets. About a month before he died my sister in law bought Halloween candy, Snickers bars. My dad knew he was going to die soon from the cancer so he said "What the hell, give me a Snickers!" I remember the look of pure joy on his face and he actually slobbered when he ate it. I feel that way about smoking, and I imagine after 50 years Linda has similar feelings. We know it is bad for us, we understand the consequences but the enjoyment we get from smoking overides the desire to quit. It is only when the consequences become reality that we realize just how wrong we were to give into those cravings, habits, and pleasures. I know it doesn't help you at all, in fact it may be insulting to you, but Linda's diagnosis may be the trigger I need to make me want to quit. Maybe hearing the impact the news of Linda had on you has made me think twice (or three times) about the impact my choices may have to others in the future. How will Alexia react when I can't sing to her anymore? How will March react when I can't hold my breath long enough to kiss her? How will my friends react when I can't go for walks of out to dinner with them because I am stuck to the oxygen tank. All things to think about I guess. I am still processing, but since the news I have cut back to 10 and I will be buying the patch in the next few weeks, as soon as we pay the bills and have a bit left over. I will be done smoking by the time we step off the plane in San Fran!

02/20/2011

Haven't blogged for a couple of days now. Late nights! Having to much fun. I gave myself a day off on Friday and didn't worry about how much or when I was smoking and I still didn't smoke quite a whole pack. I did smoke 18 which is a lot, but it wasn't a whole pack (20). I have to tell you my sinuses paid for it the next morning. They were stuffy and sore for about 3 hours.
Yesterday I was more aware but I still smoked 12.
Today going to try to get back to 10.
You asked what I did last time when I hit a plateau. Well last time when I got to 10 for about 2 weeks straight I went to the patch. That helped a lot and I think I will probably do that again. I think I am having a much harder time quitting this time because last time it was in my mind to quit for good and that didn't happen. When we got home from the vacation I started again, and starting again was much easier than quitting. This time I am quitting for the vacation and seeing what happens after. My mind is not wrapped around permenantly quitting yet. I know I should, and I know it would make me feel better, and I know all the reasons I should I just can't seem to get there yet.

02/18/2011

Not posting tonight. Posting early because tonight is March's big party. Rented the IOA hall where we used to have our dances. Well not really rented, worked out some kind of deal between her and some other people, dont know all the details but it isn't costing us anything anyway. Printed flyers and took them to all her networking meetings for the last 3 weeks. Blaze and Kelly will be playing, just a night for fun and laughter. No host bar.
Anyway, I am giving myself the day off. Not worrying about when or how much I smoke today. So far not doing terrible with it. We will see how the night goes. Giving myself permission to smoke today when I want to instead of waiting until I need to. Probably pretty busy tonight so I might not smoke as much, but then who knows. I will let you know tomorrow how my "day off" went.

02/17/2011

10 again today. Maybe I have hit another plateau, at least for a couple of days. 10 feels good because it has been my target goal for a while now and I am finally reaching it. Helps with the mind over matter when I actually reach my goal and don't have to make excuses. Feels good to not make excuses. Now if I can stay here on this plateau for a couple of days I can set another goal and maybe reach a new plateau soon. One level at a time.

02/16/2011

10 today. My target goal! Mornings at work seem to be easier, probably because I am busy and not just sitting on my butt! The evenings seem to be more difficult, mostly I think because of habit. I need to change some habits and get out of some of my ruts and routines. Mind over matter. Train my mind to not think about smoking and I think my body will follow. I need to fill my mind with thoughts other than smoking, sometimes I think I don't really even want need a smoke, but I want one and because I am thinking about it it is harder to not go have one. Mind over matter, I am stronger than my desires!

02/15/2011

I have found out one of my VERY big triggers. Anger!. When I get angry I want to smoke a lot! We took Evelyn home today, that was a good thing but...March had asked Cori (her daughter in law) to clean the house before E got home. She has been asking for a week. She told Cori that if she was to busy or couldn't get it done that March had several people lined up that would come to Mt. Home with her and help clean. Cori, and her son Kenny, both told March that they would take care of it. In fact when March called on Sunday Kenny told her that Cori was over cleaning the house then and that it would be all cleaned when she got home. We told them she would probably be home Tuesday. We walked in and the house was a MESS! Cori had done the dishes, and that was all! The flooors had not been swept or mopped. There was dog pee in several places from before E had gone into the hospital the 2nd time (from before the puppy was house trained). Her bed wasn't even made and none of the floors had been vaccumed. It was terrible! This was not what we had expected to walk into. We spent 4 extra hours there tonight cleaning! I was on track for 9 tonight...now I am way off track, probably 11 or 12. I walked in and saw that mess and stepped right back out and had a smoke, about half way through I walked out again and had another one. I was mad, not just because it wasn't done, but because they had promised us it would be done, that it was done...and not even close!
Anger is a very strong trigger for me I think because it helps me think and relax for a minute or two. I am home now and calmer and the urge to smoke is still there but not nearly as strong as it has been all afternoon. Start over again tomorrow!

02/14/2011

Happy Valentines Day! 10 today. Stuck to my guns and stayed at 10. Had a 3 hour break today again. If I can have at least one three hour break a day and then maybe go to 2 three hour breaks...maybe, maybe, maybe...Here I go plugging along up the shale, one day at a time, one step at a time, one less smoke today, maybe one less tomorrow as well. I just need to keep on plugging.

02/13/2011

Back to 11 yesterday. Back to the mollasses and shale. One more day stuck, and going backwards. All I can do is try again tomorrow, set a new goal, make some changes, change my thought processes, just keep on tracking and climbing and reaching for my goal. Nothing else to do except go head on into the fight. Tomorrow will be better, and each day after that it will get even better. Positive attitude, I can do this, I am doing this, I will do this!

02/12/2011

Didn't post last night and I should have because it was a good day. Down to 10, one small step out of the mollasses, one small climb up the shale. I had some help though. March and I went to a Pampered Chef party for 3 hours yesterday afternoon and I didn't take my smokes with me. I didn't even think about smoking for 3 hours. Out of sight out of mind I guess. I had one as soon as I got home though, but three hours was a good time. Need to have more three hours in more days though. I will try to get at least one three hour time spread today. See how it goes.

02/11/2011

I seem to have hit a plateau. I can get down to 11, I can sometimes get to 10 but most of the time I am at 11. For some reason I can't seem to get past 11. I feel like if I could just cut back one more and get to 10 for a few days then I could get over this hump and be further on the way to quitting but I am bogged down at 11. I need to look at my lists and see which smoke I can cut out, which 1 smoke I could really do without for the day. Where can I cut back one cigarette in my life. Is it the second one in the morning, (not the first one for sure, not yet anyway). Maybe it is the one in the early afternoon, or maybe the late evening one. I need to get some kind of schedule going and cut out just one more, get to 10 again and then to 8 and then to stop. I sometimes feel like I am climbing in molasses and just stuck, and then sometimes I feel like I am climbing on shale and sliding back two steps for every step forward. I need to find firm ground where I can walk forward and upward. Firm ground where I can make a stand and strengthen my resolve. My mantra tomorrow will be "firm ground".

02/10/2011

Not really any reason to blog tonight since we talked about it all during chat and you Sharon are the only one besides me who reads this blather. So you know I am at 11 again tonight. Not where I want to be at this point, but our discussion did bring a thought to mind. I keep using E as an excuse to stay at 11, stress, reason to go outside, reason th get away. I should be reversing this and telling myself that if I can stop while E is living with us I can stop for good! I should be using her as an incentive to quit rather that an excuse not to. There is also another reason I figured out that I smoke. Okay it's more of an excuse that a reason, but if I step outside when I have a hot flash it cools me off, and when I step outside I smoke. Need to find another way to cool off, or find something else to do when I step outside.

02/09/2011

Ever have one of those days when you just don't care? Well I have had two of them in a row in now. I only had 11 smokes last night but that is more than I should have had. I am on track for 11 today as well. I just can't force myself to be all that concerned about it right now. I know I need to quit but I am having a hard time facing the realization that this is a permanent deal, that I am not just quitting for the vacation but for a lifetime. I don't want to try to do this again, it is to hard, so if I am quitting it is forever. My mind is wrapped around that thought, I just can't get my heart to buy into the deal, or maybe it is my lungs, or my nerves, or anything else that this stupid nicotine is affecting. My brain wants to quit, my body is fighting back and at the moment it is winning because my brain is dealing with too much other stuff. Marchs' mom, Marchs' birthday, the up coming vacation, my job, money, etc., etc., etc., The same worries everyone else has I suppose. Hopefully I will find the answer to my non-caring and start new again tomorrow. New day, new attitude.

02/07/2011

Good day today. Only 9! Here is the cool story of the day. I have been sitting goals each day and trying to meet them (2 hours apart). One goal today was 1:00pm, at 12:30 I really wanted a smoke. I told myself it was close enough and I could go have one since I was at a break point in my work. I actually got out to the truck and had a smoke in my hand when I looked at it and said to myself, wait, it's only another half hour and I can wait. I put the smoke back into the pack and waited until 5 minutes after one to have it. I was pretty proud of myself for that one, since I had it in my hand ready to light and I put it back. That was the highlight of my day today.

02/04/2011

Did not post again last night, partially because it was a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day! Lots of stress yesterday, most of it self made because of my attitude. I am emotionally tired. Tired of biting my tounge when I want to speak my mind, tired of whispering when I want to shout, tired of ignoring when I want to reprimand, tired of listening when I want quiet. Just plain tired. So amidst all that tired I also got tired of fighting with myself and just gave in. I lost track yesterday but I think the final count was 16. NOT GOOD!
March and I went to Blaze and Kelly last night and the old saying "music soothes the soul" is so true. They have such great energy and such enthusiasim for life, and are so positive that by the end of the evening I was feeling so much better and ready to stand and fight another day.
Just so you know, and to be completely forth coming in this blog, I felt the effects of my relapse this morning. My sinus were clogged and sore, my eyes itched, my chest felt heavy. I know it was all because I smoked to much yesterday and my body is starting to not like it again. It got so used to it that it didn't have much effect on me earlier, but now that I have cut back when I over indulge I feel it. Mentally I know all this, physically I know all this, but emotionaly I am still fighting the inward battle. Today should be a better day, I have a better attitude toward everything, March and I have had some really good conversations this morning, and I am ready and willing to try again. A battle was lost, but the war is not over.

02/03/2011

10 today, planned on 9 but had a very rough evening. Had to go outside a couple of times just to "get away" if only for 5 minutes. I know, I know..excuses, excuses, but some days are like that, yeah they are. Had a great morning, but got off track after 5:30. march had a migraine and E was on a roll. I am thinking seriously about investing in "the patch" (worked last time). I am going to wait until E goes home before making that decision. I still have time before March 26th. I will just have to see how it goes after the house is clear of negativity and noise. I never realized how much I really enjoy peace and quiet. Alexia has been spending a lot of time in the back bedroom watching tv or playing in her room. The loud talking and constant noise bothers her too I think, probably because she is not the one making it, and she has no control over it. Funny how 5 minutes outside and a hit of nicotine can calm me down so quickly, and get me to relax a bit. Then I can deal for another hour or so, then need another break. But then this blog is supposed to be about smoking not E, but it will be interesting to see how much better I do after she is not in the house anymore.

02/02/2011

Should be at nine today. I gained 75 minutes today from my scheduled times, 5 stars! I kind of cheated, but I have figured out how to use the EC. I set my goal time and if I am having a really hard time making it I take a drag or two from the EC. It gives me that hit I want, and the relieves the desire to smoke a whole cigarette. I figure a couple of hits from EC is better than a whole smoke. It seems to be working, at least for today. Have to see how tomorrow goes.
Actual smoke time goal time
7:30am no goal time
8:30am no goal time
9:10 no goal time
11:35 goal time was 11:30 plus 5 minute
1:40 goal time was 1:30 plus 10 minutes
4:00 goal time was 3:30 plus 30 minutes
5:30 goal time was 5:30
8:00 goal time was 7:30 plus 30 minutes
It is now 9:40 and my goal time was 9:30 and I haven't had last smoke yet. Another 10 minutes gained today.

02/01/2011

I started something new today and it kind of surprises me. I keep a log of when I smoke, so today I wrote down my goal times on the side (2 hours apart), every time I made the goal (4 times today) I draw a star next to the goal time. I kind of like getting the stars. There have been at least a couple of times today that I did not smoke early just because I wanted the star! Really, must be the inner child incouraging me you think?
So I am on track for 9 today 15 more minutes and I get another star. This is so immature of me...but at this point whatever works, right!?

01/31/2011

Ten again, at least I'm consistent. I did okay in the mid morning and early evening 9:00am to 5:00pm, two hours between. Later in the evening it was only an hour and half or even an hour. When I was "out" having a smoke last night I realized that I didn't really want the smoke, I just wanted to be out of the house for a few minutes (away from the constant chatter). I wanted the quiet, not the smoke. The smoke was just an excuse to go outside. I think that because it wasn't to hard to go 2 hours during the day while I was at work, but in the evening sitting here watching tv with E it was all I could do to sit here for an hour. I could be wrong, and it could be an excuse, we will see soon I hope if that is the case. E goes to the Dr. today and we will see how much longer we have to keep giving her the medicine. So anyway, now that I have discovered this anomoly, maybe I can find something else to do besides smoke to "get away". At least I stayed at 10. Hopefully I will be able to cut one more out today and get down to 9.