I haven't written for a few days. There are a couple of reasons for this. First it was getting monotonous 11...11...11. Need to change this, need to change that, nothing really changed. I can write today because I have been at 10 for the last two days and I am on track for 10 today as well, unless something unexpected happens which I don't forsee. One step up, but not enough.
The second reason I haven't written is because I did not want to face the wrath on "Meno Sharon". I know you said it didn't make you mad, that you were happy I was trying to quit but, with no progress being made I wasn't sure you wouldn't be disappointed. I am not putting blame on you for anything. It is all on me, but I wanted to at least have a little progress before I blogged again.
The third reason I haven't written and maybe the most important is because I have been processing the news you received about your sister Linda. I have known since I was 12 years old (or younger) that smoking is not good for my health. I have read all the research, I know the consequences of smoking, yet I still smoked. I still smoke, I enjoy smoking. It is like a person who is on the verge of being a diabetic yet cannot stop eating sweets. You know the health risks, but you enjoy the habit so much you don't want to stop. Even today I enjoy smoking, I don't really want to quit and that is a huge part of my problem and why I have a hard time breaking the plauteaus and getting to the next level. If we weren't going to San Fran in March I probably still would be in the process of "thinking about it".
I remember my dad just before he died. He was diagnoised as being border line diabetic. He tried really hard to cut back on his sugar intake. He stopped eating candy bars, and sweets. About a month before he died my sister in law bought Halloween candy, Snickers bars. My dad knew he was going to die soon from the cancer so he said "What the hell, give me a Snickers!" I remember the look of pure joy on his face and he actually slobbered when he ate it. I feel that way about smoking, and I imagine after 50 years Linda has similar feelings. We know it is bad for us, we understand the consequences but the enjoyment we get from smoking overides the desire to quit. It is only when the consequences become reality that we realize just how wrong we were to give into those cravings, habits, and pleasures. I know it doesn't help you at all, in fact it may be insulting to you, but Linda's diagnosis may be the trigger I need to make me want to quit. Maybe hearing the impact the news of Linda had on you has made me think twice (or three times) about the impact my choices may have to others in the future. How will Alexia react when I can't sing to her anymore? How will March react when I can't hold my breath long enough to kiss her? How will my friends react when I can't go for walks of out to dinner with them because I am stuck to the oxygen tank. All things to think about I guess. I am still processing, but since the news I have cut back to 10 and I will be buying the patch in the next few weeks, as soon as we pay the bills and have a bit left over. I will be done smoking by the time we step off the plane in San Fran!
I know what you mean about enjoying too much that which will hurt us the most. I think humanity is flawed on so many levels, and our ability to kill ourselves like this is just one. Still, in spite of our inclinations to trade health for habit, or wellness for cigarettes and sweets, I think we are gifted with intellect, will and tenacity. We too often don't use our gifts, but there they sit, at the ready.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with weight not unlike you struggle with smoking. If we don't get over it, it will eventually kill us. We try, we slide, we try again. We never give up the fight. That's both our weakness and strength.
Keep writing. Use Linda's issues as often as they are helpful. Always find hope and will somewhere.
Till tomorrow...
S